averygoodun42: (fairytale)
Last night I was startled to realize just how many of my decisions have been based on the assumption that I will or would die young. I mean, the awareness of that assumption has been there off and on, like pushing Geoff to make more friends here so that he'd have a support network should I die (not so that he'd be healthier and happier, but so he'd have help), but it never occurred to me that it was so basic to my being until last night.

And looking at it, I see how that assumption has shaped my entire life. Even my reluctance to push myself physically is rooted in that assumption (and fear), because it's based on the fact that when I overdo things, I get ill, and when I get ill, I tend to sense the Reaper quite viscerally. So far it's 4-0, my favor, but it is 4-0. How many times do I get to narrowly escape death? (And this from a person, who at 12, said she wasn't afraid to die... *sigh*)

I have based my adult life around making sure others can be cared for, that I won't cause more distress by dying than by living.

And how incredibly fucked up is that?!

I mean, it's true that I don't want to cause anyone any distress at any time, but... for that to be one of the basic reasons I've tethered myself to life? No. There's got to be more. Especially now that I am a lot healthier mentally and can see just how fucked up that view is. I mean, that line of thought did keep me alive through many dark times. I couldn't bear the guilt of how broken I would leave my mum and Geoff, and maybe Page. But it's a safety line for the climb, not something to hang from one's entire life!

So now I'm back to figuring out what to do with my life... besides prepare others for my death. It's a strange thing. Not necessarily bad, but very strange.

(I've also figured out that I truly am a misanthrope. I like the idea of people just fine, but, besides my family and close friends, I am not willing to put much effort into dealing with anyone. It's why group projects are torture for me. And why I don't have more close friendships. Why would others bother with me when I'm not going to put the same effort into them? Duh!)
averygoodun42: (Default)
Yesterday I suffered from a case of domesticgodessitis. Not that you'd be able to tell by the state of the house. No. It still needs to be decontaminated liek whoa (three weeks and two different bugs. It's been gross).

Nope. Instead I tackled the mending pile. Fortunately, it was small. Unfortunately, the majority of it was darning. Two of my favorite pairs of socks needed mending. And, since I had no brain-power or energy for anything else, I sat and darned. And "watched" Voyager. (I'm rewatching all the episodes Page watched without me.) Anyway, it's the first time I darned worth a damn, and, well, it turned out well. Go me.

Today I finished off the pile by finishing up a pair of fingerless mittens (from another pair of holy socks). So yay. I may take pictures of those, even if they aren't perfect.

***

I am mulling how to write a story idea. I'm kinda wondering if it needs to be a picture book. Thing is, if it were a picture book, it would never, ever, EVER get published.

Still. Mulling.

***

I took part in Podunk's Spring Art Festival on Saturday, and it was an almost complete bust. The only reason it wasn't a complete bust is because I had the time to finish a note card drawing, and figure out what my newest painting needs to finish it.

So frustrating. The people whose shop I was in said it was the slowest Saturday they'd had in a long time. Maybe a year. *sigh*

***

I think I'm in my week of misery (PMDD). Life is seeming pretty damn pointless, and I feel like a waste of space. Maybe even worse than a waste of space, given that I procreated and I'm not sure I am up for the task of raising a man. (Oh, yeah. Page has begun the teenage attitude. For real, this time. And who cares if it's two years early, because he sure doesn't. My mum said 11 seems to be the new 13.) I really am scared about that. He is so bad about certain things, especially reading body language, and... *sigh*

I wish I could redo the first few years of his life with the knowledge I have now. Ach well.

***

And finally, but foremost, my heart goes out to all of you who are suffering real losses, fears, or other stresses. I know a lot of you are, and please know I am thinking of you and sending you light.

Huh

May. 26th, 2012 08:21 pm
averygoodun42: (Default)
Well, Geoff and I got most of the walkway in today, and it took about... three hours, including the trip to home despot for more sand. So I think my optimism was well founded. We still need to do the more difficult part of the job, and that is cutting the edging pavers, but that should be an afternoon's (or morning's) job.

Unfortunately, it was hot today, and I made the silly mistake of wearing a camisole-type shirt for the work. And, of course, I got burned. Not too badly, but it knocked me out for three hours after we came in and had a delightful cold shower. I am drinking water liek whoa to try and make up for the dumbness.

On the other hand, while asleep, I had these really odd dreams about a SS/HG fic I was in the middle of reading. By the end of the dream, I was getting antsy to get to my computer to check if it was a story by leni_jess, selfishly hoping it wasn't because I wanted to read the rest of it. Needless to say, and to complete the metaphor, the dream fic isn't one I've ever read before.

I didn't know leni_jess at all, but my heart goes out to her family and all of you who did know her. I'm sorry for your loss.
averygoodun42: (Default)
Well, I bombed the test (I didn't need to take) yesterday. I only got a 90%. Considering I didn't do the last chapter and a half of reading till the night before the test, didn't take any notes and generally didn't study except for a quick review, I think I did pretty well.

But seeing as the lowest graded test gets dropped anyway, I'm not worried about it. I still have my 100% average. ;-)

School is continuing to go well, though I must confess to a certain amount of boredom/inertia that's growing. Mostly because I'm tired and stressed and fighting off something. It's been a stressful last couple of weeks. Part of that is due to school, but mostly it's trying to balance life with school. And Page...

Rough stuff )

Good things are around, though. The not so rough stuff )

And now I should go revise my annotated bibliographies per writing center's adviser's recommendations so that I can choose one to give to the teacher to review tomorrow. And then I'll put a roast in the oven, pick up Geoff and head off to city hall for Page's award ceremony, (and then straight to the library for Cub Scouts (he's getting his first library card! Awwww)).

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