averygoodun42: (fairytale)
Last night I was startled to realize just how many of my decisions have been based on the assumption that I will or would die young. I mean, the awareness of that assumption has been there off and on, like pushing Geoff to make more friends here so that he'd have a support network should I die (not so that he'd be healthier and happier, but so he'd have help), but it never occurred to me that it was so basic to my being until last night.

And looking at it, I see how that assumption has shaped my entire life. Even my reluctance to push myself physically is rooted in that assumption (and fear), because it's based on the fact that when I overdo things, I get ill, and when I get ill, I tend to sense the Reaper quite viscerally. So far it's 4-0, my favor, but it is 4-0. How many times do I get to narrowly escape death? (And this from a person, who at 12, said she wasn't afraid to die... *sigh*)

I have based my adult life around making sure others can be cared for, that I won't cause more distress by dying than by living.

And how incredibly fucked up is that?!

I mean, it's true that I don't want to cause anyone any distress at any time, but... for that to be one of the basic reasons I've tethered myself to life? No. There's got to be more. Especially now that I am a lot healthier mentally and can see just how fucked up that view is. I mean, that line of thought did keep me alive through many dark times. I couldn't bear the guilt of how broken I would leave my mum and Geoff, and maybe Page. But it's a safety line for the climb, not something to hang from one's entire life!

So now I'm back to figuring out what to do with my life... besides prepare others for my death. It's a strange thing. Not necessarily bad, but very strange.

(I've also figured out that I truly am a misanthrope. I like the idea of people just fine, but, besides my family and close friends, I am not willing to put much effort into dealing with anyone. It's why group projects are torture for me. And why I don't have more close friendships. Why would others bother with me when I'm not going to put the same effort into them? Duh!)
averygoodun42: (Default)
Stolen from [livejournal.com profile] pigwidgeon37

Jung Explorer Test
Actualized type: ISTJ
(who you are)
ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population.
Preferred type: ESTJ
(who you prefer to be)
ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.
Attraction type: INTJ



(who you are attracted to)
INTJ - "Mastermind". Introverted intellectual with a preference for finding certainty. A builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models. 2.1% of total population.

Take Jung Explorer Test

personality tests by similarminds.com


I think I am more N than S, personally, but the test isn't going to show that because I constantly fight it. *shrugs* (I also don't think I'm a defender of time-honored institutions. I actually think the world would be a better place without many of the time-honored institutions that are revered in their current form.)

Quite frankly, though, I don't like being put into any role, and mostly because I don't fit. I think it has something to do with getting younger as I age. Seriously. When I was ten, I suddenly became an old woman. I had creaky joints, a cranky temper (with a wry humor to match) and spent more of my time thinking on the metaphysical and ideological than the present. As I've aged chronologically, and have become healthier, I've grown younger. I'm currently about 50-55, I think (last year I was 65). And all that would be fine except that I'm a parent of a young child. It really would be good if I could be my real age. (I wouldn't mind being a child come retirement, though. I'm sure Page would rather I not be. ;-)

And no, this introspection was not brought on by this meme. Not completely. It was brought on more by this quote:

"That's a real goal in life - not to get rich or die with the most toys - but to become a wild-eyed prophet witha long beard and a loud voice, a visionary dreamer of new worlds painted or sculpted or written, or just a tree of life." - Rev. W. Frederick Wooden


But now I need to get to work. Huzzah.
averygoodun42: (Default)
I had two epiphanies yesterday. Kind of along the "well duh" range of epiphanies, but I thought I'd share anyway.

Spiritual blather )


To dos and stuff )
averygoodun42: (Default)
Okay, so in fandom it seems that magic is dark when the intent is to harm. What about good acts with dubious intents? For example, James saving Snape from Remus. Let's assume that James was not in on the prank, not in a serious manner, anyway. (There's little doubt that he helped come up with the idea, but then, how often do people say things they don't really mean, like "I could just kill him!" My guess is that he and Sirius (and Peter?) were thinking up ways to tease/torture Snape, and then Sirius got zapped by Snape and decided to take it as a real option. For argument's sake, lets say that's what happened.)

So James' intent was not completely pure. Yes, he (probably) didn't want Snape to die, but he was also smart enough to realize that if Snape were attacked by Remus, Remus would be executed, Sirius would be expelled and probably imprisoned and he himself would be censured or expelled as well.

Or another example, say Snape does something altruistic purely to impress Hermione. That something good comes out of his actions (other than impressing Hermione) isn't the reason for him doing it, but it had good consequences nonetheless.

Does that make him a reluctant do-gooder or just manipulative and sneaky?

At what point do motivations (not actions) spoil or invalidate the results?

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