averygoodun42 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
averygoodun42) wrote2010-01-05 04:49 pm
averygoodun42) wrote2010-01-05 04:49 pm
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It's just beginning to get dark outside (and oh, how nice that it's only beginning to get dark! I love the lengthening evenings!) and I'm overcome with a fit of the bores.
(Of course, as I write this, I can think of all the things I need to do... Laundry to be washed, laundry to be folded, laundry to be put away. I already collected all the laundry, so at least that's off my plate.)
However, I also kind of want to draw some more. Yesterday's drawing wasn't very good, but I am satisfied with today's, though one of them needs to be finished. Snape needs his face.
Speaking of that, though, I wonder if anyone would be willing to look over my story "Curious Granger and the Half-Blood Prince" with a critical eye. I've posted the (slightly) revised edition under the cut for your ease. I'm going to start inking these drawings soon, and would prefer not to have to re-do any of them because of story failure. Inking is a pain in the butt.
Just, if you do critique, please keep in mind that it IS written in the style of the <i>Curious George</i> stories, and therefore does use simplistic language and storytelling in a deliberate manner. (Oh, and yes, I am aware that it isn't quite canon-compliant because Harry had Hermione's wand... Oh well.)
The place I'm most concerned about is the ending. It seems a bit abrupt to me, even within this style.
Anyway. Thanks in advance!
This is Hermione.
Hermione was a good little girl and always very curious. One year, Hermione and her friends, the Boy Who Lived and his sidekick Ron, were hunting Horcruxes.
They had been hunting Horcruxes for many months and had only found one. They didn't even have a way of destroying it. It wasn't a fun hunt at all. This made Hermione and sidekick Ron very sad. It made sidekick Ron so sad that he had to leave his friends, the Boy Who Lived and Hermione. This made Hermione even more sad.
One night after sidekick Ron left, Hermione was lying in bed pretending to sleep. Suddenly, she heard the Boy Who Lived move about. Hermione turned over to ask her friend what was going on, but it was too late. He was gone.
Hermione was curious. What could make her friend leave the safety of the tent?
She left the tent and looked all around her. The forest was dark and scary. But looking hard, she thought she saw a faint light. Thinking it was her friend lighting his wand, she followed it. She thought her friend, the Boy Who Lived, really ought to know better than to light his wand in the wild.
Hermione tried very hard to catch up to her friend's light, but it was hard without a light of her own. She kept stumbling on tree roots. She walked as fast as she could, but suddenly, her friend's light went out!
She realized she was all alone in the forest. She looked around and listened, but she couldn't hear her friend.
Then she heard something go SPLASH! She was afraid her friend was in trouble. She ran in the direction of the sound but stumbled on a tree root. She spun around and fell to the ground.
"Darn!" she cursed. She got up and dusted herself off.
She listened for any sign of her friend but she couldn't hear anything. What was worse, falling had messed up her sense of direction. She didn't know which way camp was.
Hermione was scared. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to get further from camp. She didn't want to wait for any bad guys to find her.
She was very scared but she was also very cold. She decided to light her wand to find her way back. Soon the area around her was visible. She saw something move beside her and jumped.
It was only a branch moving in the breeze. Hermione laughed at herself.
Something moved on her other side. Hermione turned expecting to see another branch waving. But it wasn't a branch! It was a man!
It was Professor Snape!
Hermione was very scared. Professor Snape was one of the bad guys.
She moved to rhex him, but Professor Snape waved his wand. She was trapped! Professor Snape shook his head.
"Your penchant for trouble astounds me, Miss Granger," Professor Snape said. He then pointed his wand at her. "Obliviate."
Hermione woke up from a deep sleep when her friend called her name. She was very surprised. She was even more surprised to find Sidekick Ron had come back. And sidekick Ron had helped the Boy Who Lived destroy the Horcrux!
Hermione was miffed. But the Boy Who Lived was okay, so all was well.
The End.
(Of course, as I write this, I can think of all the things I need to do... Laundry to be washed, laundry to be folded, laundry to be put away. I already collected all the laundry, so at least that's off my plate.)
However, I also kind of want to draw some more. Yesterday's drawing wasn't very good, but I am satisfied with today's, though one of them needs to be finished. Snape needs his face.
Speaking of that, though, I wonder if anyone would be willing to look over my story "Curious Granger and the Half-Blood Prince" with a critical eye. I've posted the (slightly) revised edition under the cut for your ease. I'm going to start inking these drawings soon, and would prefer not to have to re-do any of them because of story failure. Inking is a pain in the butt.
Just, if you do critique, please keep in mind that it IS written in the style of the <i>Curious George</i> stories, and therefore does use simplistic language and storytelling in a deliberate manner. (Oh, and yes, I am aware that it isn't quite canon-compliant because Harry had Hermione's wand... Oh well.)
The place I'm most concerned about is the ending. It seems a bit abrupt to me, even within this style.
Anyway. Thanks in advance!
This is Hermione.
Hermione was a good little girl and always very curious. One year, Hermione and her friends, the Boy Who Lived and his sidekick Ron, were hunting Horcruxes.
They had been hunting Horcruxes for many months and had only found one. They didn't even have a way of destroying it. It wasn't a fun hunt at all. This made Hermione and sidekick Ron very sad. It made sidekick Ron so sad that he had to leave his friends, the Boy Who Lived and Hermione. This made Hermione even more sad.
One night after sidekick Ron left, Hermione was lying in bed pretending to sleep. Suddenly, she heard the Boy Who Lived move about. Hermione turned over to ask her friend what was going on, but it was too late. He was gone.
Hermione was curious. What could make her friend leave the safety of the tent?
She left the tent and looked all around her. The forest was dark and scary. But looking hard, she thought she saw a faint light. Thinking it was her friend lighting his wand, she followed it. She thought her friend, the Boy Who Lived, really ought to know better than to light his wand in the wild.
Hermione tried very hard to catch up to her friend's light, but it was hard without a light of her own. She kept stumbling on tree roots. She walked as fast as she could, but suddenly, her friend's light went out!
She realized she was all alone in the forest. She looked around and listened, but she couldn't hear her friend.
Then she heard something go SPLASH! She was afraid her friend was in trouble. She ran in the direction of the sound but stumbled on a tree root. She spun around and fell to the ground.
"Darn!" she cursed. She got up and dusted herself off.
She listened for any sign of her friend but she couldn't hear anything. What was worse, falling had messed up her sense of direction. She didn't know which way camp was.
Hermione was scared. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to get further from camp. She didn't want to wait for any bad guys to find her.
She was very scared but she was also very cold. She decided to light her wand to find her way back. Soon the area around her was visible. She saw something move beside her and jumped.
It was only a branch moving in the breeze. Hermione laughed at herself.
Something moved on her other side. Hermione turned expecting to see another branch waving. But it wasn't a branch! It was a man!
It was Professor Snape!
Hermione was very scared. Professor Snape was one of the bad guys.
She moved to rhex him, but Professor Snape waved his wand. She was trapped! Professor Snape shook his head.
"Your penchant for trouble astounds me, Miss Granger," Professor Snape said. He then pointed his wand at her. "Obliviate."
Hermione woke up from a deep sleep when her friend called her name. She was very surprised. She was even more surprised to find Sidekick Ron had come back. And sidekick Ron had helped the Boy Who Lived destroy the Horcrux!
Hermione was miffed. But the Boy Who Lived was okay, so all was well.
The End.
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I love your use of the word "miffed" and the end - good comic effect. I am assuming you're going for comic effect by using this style?
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I'm going to leave the content as is because the humor will come mostly from the illustrations. Speaking of which, when I get them all done (will continue working on them this evening, and only a few left to do), may I send them to you, or give you a link to them for you to look them over for, erm, betaing? Granted, they'll be rough draft drawings (uncolored, which will account for a goodly amount of the finished product), but, as I said, you've got a good eye and a great sense of humor. I trust you'd be able to see ways for me to really spiff it up if it needs it.
Cheers!
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