(no subject)

[averygoodun42]

Well, I'm back. That trip was actually really good, circumstances withstanding. Actually, even that wasn't so bad as Grampa made not one but two recoveries.  As far as I know, he's still alive and kickin'.

The really great, albeit a little bittersweet, part of the trip was realizing where my muse has gone.  She's living in the Pacific Northwest.

Dammit.

I always, always get inspired when I go up there.  I always come back with at least three serious works in mind and many more basic ideas.

This time, I not only came back with three works in mind, but I also came up with The Plan.

Normally I don't make plans.  Plans and I don't get along, mostly because whenever I make up a plan, the Universe comes along and smacks me down, saying, "Uh-uh-uh!  You don't get it, do you?  You're my bitch, and you will do what I say!"

Normally, I don't have too much of a problem with that as She has been a good mistress for the most part.  I don't regret most of what's happened in my life as it's made me who I am, which isn't that bad.  And I've learned that fighting against the Universe is generally a bad idea.  Life is not only easier when I go along with Her plans (although that really isn't the right word... wishes, maybe?), but it's also better.

However, I'm thinking that because this plan has to do with my art, the Universe isn't going to interfere.  Afterall, that's the direction She's been steering me for ever and ever, amen.

But, now comes the implementing of The Plan.  It means the resumption of my resolutions.  It means adding a few more tasks as well.  It means I really need to apply all that latent discipline.  Dammit.

So, the gist is, I've gotten away from who I am in my art.  I've gone soft and sweet.  I am not soft and sweet, well, certainly not artistically.  I'm not cutting edge by any means (I'm really rather unoriginal, if you haven't gathered that by now), but "pretty" works are not my thing.  Beautiful? hopefully.  Powerful?  God, I hope so.  Pretty?  no.

But, seeing as the Universe is a good mistress, she gives me what I ask for.  I have been asking to learn subtlety for year now, which, I am sure, is why I ended up here in NH.  This is not a place of bold statements.  The sky, which is the boldest thing in the world, is hidden here by the trees.  Trees, although powerful, are not bold.  They are beautiful and subtle creations, even in the fall when they burst into flame, which is as bold as New England gets, btw (from my outsider's view, anyway).

It is a pretty place.  A very pretty place.  And it is, of course, influencing my work.

I have started to learn a brand of subtlety, and I find it isn't suitable to my painting style.  That, however, is not my only outlet.  In fact, I'm finding that subtlety is perfect for quilting.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to give my newfound subtlety release by learning to sew art quilts.  Hopefully that will leave me free to paint the boldness of my soul. (Oh. My. God.  I didn't just say that, did I?  How cliched can I get? Ach well, it's the best description I can come up with right now, though.)

The other thing I'm going to do, and I have daintress to thank for the inspiration here, is start sewing my own clothes.  I have lost my style, and right now I do not have the finances to really go out and find it in the stores.  Again, being in New England (and a rather staid part of NE at that) is not conducive to finding it at consignment or thrift shops.  However, although fabric isn't exactly cheap, I can create exactly what I want, and what will suit me perfectly. 

The end result should be a wardrobe full of artistic, custom-made and, hopefully, comfortable clothes.  Clothes suitable to go down to New York with my portfolio in. 

There's the crux of my plan.  I want, by next Spring, to be able to go to New York with a good representation of my work (actually, I hope to have 3 bodies of work to tote around: paintings, illustrations and comic book).

Ambitious?  yes.  Feasible?  *shrug*  We'll see.  I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate, but now I do have a long range goal.  I want to be neighbors with my muse, and sooner rather than later.  And if I wait for Geoff to figure out he's in the wrong career and make a move on his own, I will be waiting till Hell freezes over.  So, I need to start making money, and enough of it to get us out of here without the security of Geoff's job.  I want to find my home before this becomes Babe's home more than it already has. 

I know that it will take time, but when I'm determined...  Hell, I grew 6 inches after the doctors said I wouldn't grow anymore because I didn't want to be short.  I CAN do anything I set my mind to, and this is worth it.

A good sign that this is the right thing to do is that last night I dreamt that I was in some sort of school, and everyone else was applying for a grant/scholarship type thing.  It required an oral presentation (which I abhor, fear and generally am crap at), but I figured, what the hell.  So, I found an old book full of old ideas of mine, though more than half were scratched or torn out.  I looked through it and found several good ideas for the presentation.  I chose one and started working on it halfheartedly and before I knedw it, it was my turn.

I went into the room with the teacher, who was the one providing the monies, and upon looking at him realized another of those ideas was better.  So, I fumbled a bit, but then I looked him in the eyes.  At this move, he smiled and nodded his head in approval.  That was what I needed to do.  That was ALL I needed to do, and boy was it hard, but I did it.

By the end of the interview, I knew that I had won the monies.  It didn't matter that I wasn't the best prepared or even the best.  I had IT.

Another good sign is that things have already started falling into place.  Little things, but tips and ideas are presenting themselves like they always do when I'm on the right path.  Now to stay on it.

*iz hopeful*

So, the short of it is that I probably won't be spending as much time online anymore.  I'm not going away completely (you all are way too interesting and important to me), but...  This is my form of relaxation, and relaxing ain't gonna get me nowhere, even if I do need to do it from time to time.

Comments

[zalena.livejournal.com]

Go you! I find that plans are a good thing, even if they result in smackdowns. Sometimes when we're lost, that smacking around is the only way we can find our way. The plan is never the problem. The refusal to regard the signposts along the way is usually what causes the pain.

Speaking of clothes, I saw this and thought of you.

Re: The Pacific NW. I've been dreaming about it, myself, and would like to spend more time there, explore the environment more deeply. Maybe we should get a cabin. You could live there and I would visit every now and then. (You'd also be welcome in my other home, probably in CO or the SW, or the beach house in Northern CA.)

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Of course, now I actually have to do all this, but I think I'm going to this time. I'm tired of feeling stuck and... victimized. Especially knowing that I'm the perpetrator.

Getting smacked down may be the only way to find our way, but it hurts all the same.

Ooh! Pretty! Must put a kaftan down on my list of things to sew. They can't be all that difficult, can they?

A cabin it shall be! How about you get a villa in Northern New Mexico? Like the Taos/ Santa Fe area? That's where Geoff would prefer we move, but I like wet more than dry, and since he doesn't object to the PNW like I object to desert... I wouldn't want to live there, but I sure would like to visit more often!

Of course, Northern CA would also be nice... Well, let me know where to buy my tickets to!

[zalena.livejournal.com]

I've never been to NM. I will have to check it out.