A few things
Jan. 18th, 2008 01:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
averygoodun42First, a squee. My gift has been posted! It's called "In Solemn Stillness Lay" and it's a beautiful, angsty little hurt/comfort fic! It's wonderful. Go read it!
Third thing is that, with luck, I will be going to the beach AND Ikea tomorrow. I haven't looked at the weather postings yet, but as long as it isn't looking too dangerous for road travel, I will get to see the ocean again (in all its wintry wonder?), get a breath of fresh air, and then shop!
The unfortunate thing about the shopping is the spending limit I've encumbered myself with, but I will still have fun. Especially if the boys decide to go play in the snow instead of hang around us!
Geoff's neck, shoulder and back continue to be good. His headaches have more or less gone away. He's also forgetting his medicine, which, although possibly not good, probably has good subconscious reasoning to it.
When I'm not coughing, I'm still noticing that my breathing is much better than it used to be. My lungs are still super sensitive (and I may actually wear a mask over at M&M's tomorrow, to limit cat exposure), but when I take a deep breath, I can feel parts of my left lung expand that never used to. My right side is still pretty fucked up (and it's better than it used to be... and it was the good side before!) but I suspect that with diligence, it'll get better eventually.
My next step for healing is a good detox. The body worker said that the main thing that's wrong with me now is that I am filled to the gills with toxins, and I can believe it. Did you know that until recently CT scans done on children used the same amount of radiation as those done on full sized adults? I had three or four of those as a scrawny little kid (and at least one since). X-rays, dyes, metho, prednisone, cadmiums, bariums and months of barely filtered Indianapolis water (it killed the ants)... *thpppbt*
One muscle test done before Babe was born showed I should be taking about 1200mg charcoal a day for... I can't remember, something like 3 months. Um... that's six pills a day. Recommended dose for most people is one a day (up to two) for about two weeks or as needed. A more recent muscle test showed I should take that essiac stuff. *sigh*
All of this points to the need to visit the nutritionist. Probably before I start self-medicating. ;-)
I've started a pastel painting, and I'm scared stiff. It's a small little thing of a relatively simple design. It should be a three hour project. And yet, whenever I surreptitiously look at what I've done so far, and at the pastels waiting to be used...
I don't know how I got so blocked. Strike that. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I have no uninterruptable time to myself anymore. Writing for me, while needing concentration, can be interrupted without much consequence. I guess because my energy isn't necessarily disrupted. I'm still thinking in words and phrases, even as I'm making a sandwich, or changing a diaper or listening to prattle. I can let it simmer, for the most part.
With painting, any medium (besides w/c, which I need to try one of these days), my energy... it bypasses my mind in a way. But, looked at objectively, it should be that having a child around would be fine for me, as sometimes, after the initial set-up phase is done, I need a mental distraction. Conversation, music, anything to keep my mind distracted so that my creative side can work in peace.
Of course, painting is also a mode of meditation. And the concentration required to get into the meditation is considerable.
I guess the thing is that a child requires, and therefore gets, much more than simple attention. Simple attention is what's required for a light conversation. You listen to what the other person says and respond accordingly. Only one part of the brain is needed, so that the other parts can do what they need to do.
Kids... are demanding little creatures. They require simple attention, lots and lots of it, but they also demand creative and physical attention as well. They aren't satisfied until ALL of your attention is on them. As is right and proper. But...
I am a selfish mother and demand quite a bit of time and energy for myself, but even so, one part of my mind is ALWAYS on Babe. And that one part grows at the same rate as Babe. I think that's why I've been feeling so distracted lately. And I think that's one reason why I'm terrified of really starting to paint again. Will I be able to concentrate enough to meditate? Will I have enough attention left over to really apply myself? Because it isn't worth doing if I can't, as that's a recipe for disappointment and, possibly, resentment.
I imagine there's some middle ground somewhere. It shouldn't have to be an either or proposistion (cut off connection with Babe to work or don't work), but it seems to be.
I hope it gets better when Babe goes off to school. And, whether it does get better or not, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to learn how to concentrate all over again. It's not a process I'm looking forward to.
Second, I think there may be hope for SMHC. Even without the super fluffy, smutty 'end' that I wrote yesterday, the chapter is coming along quite well. I haven't reread what I've written yet today, but I think it's headed in the right direction, relationship-wise. I hope to wake up enough to work on it today (and maybe finish the chapter?), but I stayed up very late last night as inspiration dictated, and so I may be doomed to fuzzyheadedness for all of today.
I must say that as the story winds down (in my mind, reaches for the climax plotwise), I'm struggling to remain interested. I've got it more or less completely outlined. I know what needs to happen. And now it's just down tot he nitty-gritty of writing it out. It's boring.
One of the interesting things about this chapter is that S&H decided to take it in a direction I hadn't expected. And, by the time I went to bed last night, Hermione had come to a rather surprising conclusion, given her previous attitudes and reactions. Snape, however... I really don't know. I know what he's been up to, but... how much do you really think he'd reveal? Not bloody much, I think.</lj-cut>
I must say that as the story winds down (in my mind, reaches for the climax plotwise), I'm struggling to remain interested. I've got it more or less completely outlined. I know what needs to happen. And now it's just down tot he nitty-gritty of writing it out. It's boring.
One of the interesting things about this chapter is that S&H decided to take it in a direction I hadn't expected. And, by the time I went to bed last night, Hermione had come to a rather surprising conclusion, given her previous attitudes and reactions. Snape, however... I really don't know. I know what he's been up to, but... how much do you really think he'd reveal? Not bloody much, I think.</lj-cut>
Third thing is that, with luck, I will be going to the beach AND Ikea tomorrow. I haven't looked at the weather postings yet, but as long as it isn't looking too dangerous for road travel, I will get to see the ocean again (in all its wintry wonder?), get a breath of fresh air, and then shop!
The unfortunate thing about the shopping is the spending limit I've encumbered myself with, but I will still have fun. Especially if the boys decide to go play in the snow instead of hang around us!
Geoff's neck, shoulder and back continue to be good. His headaches have more or less gone away. He's also forgetting his medicine, which, although possibly not good, probably has good subconscious reasoning to it.
When I'm not coughing, I'm still noticing that my breathing is much better than it used to be. My lungs are still super sensitive (and I may actually wear a mask over at M&M's tomorrow, to limit cat exposure), but when I take a deep breath, I can feel parts of my left lung expand that never used to. My right side is still pretty fucked up (and it's better than it used to be... and it was the good side before!) but I suspect that with diligence, it'll get better eventually.
My next step for healing is a good detox. The body worker said that the main thing that's wrong with me now is that I am filled to the gills with toxins, and I can believe it. Did you know that until recently CT scans done on children used the same amount of radiation as those done on full sized adults? I had three or four of those as a scrawny little kid (and at least one since). X-rays, dyes, metho, prednisone, cadmiums, bariums and months of barely filtered Indianapolis water (it killed the ants)... *thpppbt*
One muscle test done before Babe was born showed I should be taking about 1200mg charcoal a day for... I can't remember, something like 3 months. Um... that's six pills a day. Recommended dose for most people is one a day (up to two) for about two weeks or as needed. A more recent muscle test showed I should take that essiac stuff. *sigh*
All of this points to the need to visit the nutritionist. Probably before I start self-medicating. ;-)
I've started a pastel painting, and I'm scared stiff. It's a small little thing of a relatively simple design. It should be a three hour project. And yet, whenever I surreptitiously look at what I've done so far, and at the pastels waiting to be used...
I don't know how I got so blocked. Strike that. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I have no uninterruptable time to myself anymore. Writing for me, while needing concentration, can be interrupted without much consequence. I guess because my energy isn't necessarily disrupted. I'm still thinking in words and phrases, even as I'm making a sandwich, or changing a diaper or listening to prattle. I can let it simmer, for the most part.
With painting, any medium (besides w/c, which I need to try one of these days), my energy... it bypasses my mind in a way. But, looked at objectively, it should be that having a child around would be fine for me, as sometimes, after the initial set-up phase is done, I need a mental distraction. Conversation, music, anything to keep my mind distracted so that my creative side can work in peace.
Of course, painting is also a mode of meditation. And the concentration required to get into the meditation is considerable.
I guess the thing is that a child requires, and therefore gets, much more than simple attention. Simple attention is what's required for a light conversation. You listen to what the other person says and respond accordingly. Only one part of the brain is needed, so that the other parts can do what they need to do.
Kids... are demanding little creatures. They require simple attention, lots and lots of it, but they also demand creative and physical attention as well. They aren't satisfied until ALL of your attention is on them. As is right and proper. But...
I am a selfish mother and demand quite a bit of time and energy for myself, but even so, one part of my mind is ALWAYS on Babe. And that one part grows at the same rate as Babe. I think that's why I've been feeling so distracted lately. And I think that's one reason why I'm terrified of really starting to paint again. Will I be able to concentrate enough to meditate? Will I have enough attention left over to really apply myself? Because it isn't worth doing if I can't, as that's a recipe for disappointment and, possibly, resentment.
I imagine there's some middle ground somewhere. It shouldn't have to be an either or proposistion (cut off connection with Babe to work or don't work), but it seems to be.
I hope it gets better when Babe goes off to school. And, whether it does get better or not, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to learn how to concentrate all over again. It's not a process I'm looking forward to.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-18 08:18 pm (UTC)You're not selfish. One thing I'm learning this time around is that it's healthy to demand time for oneself - the child does not have a right to 100% of you. Yes, as mothers, one part of our mind IS always with our children, but we need space for ourselves, for our own creativity and growth, or we cannot give fully what the children need. And children need to know that you have a mental and emotional life of your own. If I had been helped to realise this with #1, I would not have experiences 2 annd a half years of depression, succeeded by a continual base state of fragility and sadness. I have the help to learn to take my own space now. And as a result, the time I give my children, while perhaps being less than my conscience would have me give, is time spent fully giving, and I am really able to enjoy them.
Obviously each one of us is different, but I feel this is a hard-learned lesson (still in the learning) that is worth recounting.
I'm glad you're physically feeling better, and that you're writing and painting again. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-19 07:54 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-19 02:24 pm (UTC)I get this. I don't have a child, obviously, but I think I understand it to a lesser degree. You have all my sympathy and support.