averygoodun42: (fairytale)
[personal profile] averygoodun42
Last night I was startled to realize just how many of my decisions have been based on the assumption that I will or would die young. I mean, the awareness of that assumption has been there off and on, like pushing Geoff to make more friends here so that he'd have a support network should I die (not so that he'd be healthier and happier, but so he'd have help), but it never occurred to me that it was so basic to my being until last night.

And looking at it, I see how that assumption has shaped my entire life. Even my reluctance to push myself physically is rooted in that assumption (and fear), because it's based on the fact that when I overdo things, I get ill, and when I get ill, I tend to sense the Reaper quite viscerally. So far it's 4-0, my favor, but it is 4-0. How many times do I get to narrowly escape death? (And this from a person, who at 12, said she wasn't afraid to die... *sigh*)

I have based my adult life around making sure others can be cared for, that I won't cause more distress by dying than by living.

And how incredibly fucked up is that?!

I mean, it's true that I don't want to cause anyone any distress at any time, but... for that to be one of the basic reasons I've tethered myself to life? No. There's got to be more. Especially now that I am a lot healthier mentally and can see just how fucked up that view is. I mean, that line of thought did keep me alive through many dark times. I couldn't bear the guilt of how broken I would leave my mum and Geoff, and maybe Page. But it's a safety line for the climb, not something to hang from one's entire life!

So now I'm back to figuring out what to do with my life... besides prepare others for my death. It's a strange thing. Not necessarily bad, but very strange.

(I've also figured out that I truly am a misanthrope. I like the idea of people just fine, but, besides my family and close friends, I am not willing to put much effort into dealing with anyone. It's why group projects are torture for me. And why I don't have more close friendships. Why would others bother with me when I'm not going to put the same effort into them? Duh!)


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