(no subject)

[averygoodun42]

Yesterday I went shopping. I'm not a huge fan of shopping. Maybe it's dealing with crowds of people, maybe it's the horrible Christmas musak that I end up humming, or maybe it's the fact that nothing wears me out more than shopping.

I came home from shopping (an hour of which was spent at the grocery store, half of which was spent standing in the checkout line, as everyone in the store decided to check-out at the same time, of course) dropping with fatigue. Not exaggerating. At one point I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor because I couldn't walk the five steps to the nearest chair.

Anyway, one of the things I hate about being exhausted is that I get completely maudlin. I can't think straight, I get bitchy and I swear that I'm falling back into depression. It didn't help that "It's a Wonderful Life" was on, and it made me wonder how rich I really am if wealth is measured in friendships. (Enter the bugbear of self-doubt, and the defeatism of depression.) Fortunately, I've dealt with all of this before so I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, I will probably wake up the next morning with a much cheerier outlook.

Well, that was the case - mostly. This morning I woke up and the fatigue had lifted, so I was able to move and go about thing that needed to be done, but the mood was still there. That, "I'm a terrible person who can't do anything right to save my life" mood.

I hate that mood.

Frankly, I enjoy living in healthy denial. I like thinking that I'm basically a good person who might not do great things, but is decent anyway. I like thinking that there are lots of people who care and that life could be an episode of "Friends" if we all lived near each other.

I don't like examining what I have to offer in friendship. I look at everyone's LJ's and read about how they interact with others, how regular they are in keeping in touch, how they make the effort, and I think, "what the hell was I even thinking?"

I will read my friends' journals, or listen to their conversations and smile or frown as their mood dictates, but I will only comment if I can think of something to say. It makes phone conversations with me a real exciting experience, let me tell you! That, or I'll blather endlessly for ages about something completely OT and wake up the next morning shaking my head about how rude or pointless I was being.

What does being a friend mean, anyway? Is a friend someone you chat with about everything and nothing? I'd say yes. Is a friend someone who is there for you when you're down? Again, that'd be a yes. Is someone a friend who semi-deliberately stays on the outskirts, listening but not contributing? No. That person is an observer, an audience to the play that's presented. For those out there who are attention hounds, that person might be mistaken as a friend, because the observer is another body who is feeding the hound's desires, but I doubt even the attention hound will confide in the observer, will seek out the observer as a comforting shoulder.

I am most definitely an observer. I like watching those around me. I'm surprised it took me so long to get into the LJ scene because for me this is the most comfortable form of socializing possible - no faces, no awkward silences, just words on a page that may or may not be responded to. And usually, I choose not to respond.

One of the things I really regret from the past few years is not following up on befriending one of my former teachers. She was (almost certainly still is) a vibrant, intelligent, passionate woman who had a similar sense of humor.

It took me nearly a year to gather the courage to ask via email if she'd be willing to correspond. She was fairly enthusiastic in her response. We emailed each other infrequently for about a month, and then I stopped. At first I stopped because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't whining or bitching. I was in a really bad spot at that point, and I think one of the reasons I reached out to her was because I was getting suicidal. (I have a survival instinct that isn't befitting for a chronic depressive.) After a couple of months, I didn't get back to her because it had been so long. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I was afraid. I erred on the side of silence.

And I find that happening all over again. I've joined a community where I've been welcomed with open arms, and I've participated happily for the last few months. But... but the silence is descending again, and I'm not sure how to go about fighting it.

I do care about the people in my life. I would shatter if anything happened to my family. I grieve along with my friends when they suffer. I love hearing about everything that goes on in their lives, the good and the bad and the mildly unattractive. But in the end, I am a lazy friend. And I'm sorry.


Today I managed to get 10 dozen cookies made (rum balls... yummm), had a small hissy fit, and got DH to finish a project that's been dragging for the last year. Yay! He was also very, very nice and let me have a long nap this evening.

Tomorrow I get to pick up his Christmas present from the post office (yay!) and go look at frames for "Squashed" at the craft store. Maybe I'll also manage to get the next two batches of cookies made, as well as write and address the Christmas cards. (Anyone want one?) I'll try to be optimistic. Hell, I could even remember to water the plants! Miracles have happened before...



Snape's Journal

Feb. 8, 1998

It seems Granger has volunteered to research a way to block this piece of utter insanity.

I imagine that if I were in her place I would have thought of fighting this as soon as she did. I don't envy her. Not only is she the best friend of Potter, but she's also powerful, intelligent and quite pretty when healthy, I mean reasonably comely. In a homely kind of way. If you look hard enough.

The point is that she'd be topping the list of desirable matches for either side. I imagine Lucius would love to get his hands on her... The way he's been vocally decrying the state of the wizarding world since his release makes me wonder how he's involved.

I guess I'll have to keep an eye on that front.

Damn this life debt. It's most inconvenient.

/entry

Comments

[onyx-noir.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

Your words about being an observer and a 'lazy friend' really hit home with me, as I'm frequently guilty of the same thing. Fortunately for me, the people I count as my true friends seem to understand this and put up with it, even if I haven't corresponded with them for a month or more.

I guess that's the mark of a real friend. They're happy to hear from you, even if its sporadically. And I totally understand about not speaking up if you don't have anything to say. Believe me, I'd rather spend my time in companionable silence with someone. I know plenty of people already who think nothing of filling the air (or my in-box) with useless, brainless, chatter. They talk enough for two people already. I've been lucky enough to keep most of them at arms length, and so don't have to listen to them on a regular basis. Or maybe I'm just old.

And truth be told, I don't really like talking on the phone that much. But that's because when I'm working, I spend 8 hours a day on the damn thing. The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk on the phone some more. Thank Merlin for e-mail.

Just my two knuts...

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, for some reason my friends seem to still like me even after I've dropped off the edge of the planet for a kip. Go figure. ;)

[windypoint.livejournal.com]

I don't do the friendship thing particularly well either. There are people I care about who I haven't bothered to contact for ages.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

It's kinda sad, isn't it? You know you want to, but then a year goes by and you realize you never did... or at least that's how it is for me.

[zalena.livejournal.com]

I think the 20s are a really difficult time for friendships. People and situations are changing so quickly that often people become seperated by distances in temperament or circumstance.

This year for me has been in a massive shedding of friends, even people who I dearly loved, and once meant everything to me. Part of this is the natural changes that come between people over the years. Part of it is me finally getting wise to negative behavioral patterns in which I no longer wish to participate. It is hard, and it is definitely lonely, though I don't imagine I am anywhere near as isolated as you must be in your situation.

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling with depression, happy to hear you are reaching out, and encourage you to participate whenever you feel you have the energy to be able to do so. I wish for you to find relationships, both near and far, in which you feel comfortable and sustained.

How much of this do you think is seasonally related?

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think so, although, with the exception of ashfae, I met all my friends after high school. (It was after high school when I met you, right? I can't even remember anymore!) My childhood/early teen years were very lonely, but that was mostly because of restrictions due to health.

I'm trying to avoid those with negative behavioral patterns, but that has always been a touigh one for me. I still get caught up in the "someone likes me? Really? (squee!)" mindset. Bad. Very bad. Nice thing about being isolated, though. Don't have to deal with that. :p

Oh, depression will be a struggle for the rest of my life, I expect. I am trying to fix it, though. Finally. And as I've mentioned in my more recent post, I just realized that I think I have a mild social anxiety disorder. Meeting new people and reaching out really is scary for me. Not quite terrifying, but scary enough to come up with a lot of exuses to avoid it. So the battle continues...

Thank you! *Hugs*

Quite a lot of it is seasonal, but mostly, as I pointed out at the beginning, it's more related to energy. I was completely exhausted, and that makes me feel as though I'm depressed (same symptoms, same intensity, but sleep and rest cures it!). Much better now.

[shiv5468.livejournal.com]

To be practical, just put a note up saying you're a bit busy / tired and we will be back when you feel better.

And you could probably get back in touch with your other friend simply by saying, sorry, has it been this long, I feel terrible.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

The thing is, that isn't always true. Sometimes it is just that I... I don't know how to describe it to someone who is sociable (which you seem to be). I just can't come up with... never mind. You're right. That is the practical route. To hell if it's not true.

After three+ years, I would feel more than awkward (more like ashamed and humiliated witless) to get back in touch. Sad but true.

[shiv5468.livejournal.com]

I'm not always the social type you see. Sometimes I bound along like a labrador and sometimes it's about wanting to curl up in my box and not play with anyone because everyone is being tiresome and tiring.

It is a practical way of dealing with those moments, because they do usually pass and if they don't at least you've bowed out politely.

[novin-ha.livejournal.com]

and that life could be an episode of "Friends" if we all lived near each other.

Good line :D

Oh dear, don't let the guilt trap you! For one, it's a good thing you're making things clear for us here. You certainly should feel like it's your 'duty' to comment. For another, don't try to lift yourslef by your shoelaces. You identified the problem - it's difficult for you to keep in touch with your friends even though you care about them. Maybe it's a good idea to tell them about it? And sometimes you could, if you'd like, post a comment despite not knowing what to say. Say something pointless and silly that will be meant as suggesting your care just what I'm doing right now .

I have a similar friend. She's terrible at keeping in touch, last time she e-mailed me was some two months ago, texted - three weeks. But I've grown used to that and realise that doesn't mean she doesn't like me anymore. I do think maybe you could contact your other friend, still? Tell her you've been feeling awkward and all. There is nothing to lose, is there?

Good thing you have survival instincts. *Hugs*

Take care,
Novinha

PS: As to observers... take me to a party and see what that means... *why are you not dancing, N.? Oh, but can't you see that man? What is he doing with his eyebrows?*

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

You certainly should feel like it's your 'duty' to comment.

I really hope you meant "shouldn't." :) You're right, of course. But sometimes it isn't as easy to say anything, whether pointless or profound, as it should be. Sometimes it's a veritable battle just to write *hugs* (go to you, btw). ~shrug~

[novin-ha.livejournal.com]

Makes huge eyes - is sure wrote "shouldn't" and "n't" was eaten by some bug ;)

Gee, I am the most emotional creature that roams the Earth. I meet a person and start worrying about them. I get nervous when I don't see an old neigbour for three days in a row because maybe she/he died?! I am sick that way. Must be my having four younger siblings. I love people whether they want it or not
>:>

There sure must be people on the other side of the scale.

Take care!
Novinha, who greets from Poland and is a hot-blooded Slavic girl ;)

[novin-ha.livejournal.com]

Oh! And thanks, you reminded me to write to a friend whom I last contacted some five months ago... But then, my Dad's death had me in a shell for a moment.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

I honestly figured that was the case. I've lately found myself not adding the "n'ts" and it's been very frustrating.

I'm actually the same way, although I'm also fairly mercurial about it. that's what comes of being a Gemini, I guess. (4 younger siblings? Oi! How do you handle them? Besides loving them, that is...)

[novin-ha.livejournal.com]

Right now I live away, so I don't deal at all, and anyway only three of them ever lived with me.

But I used to deal with them by tying them up and threatening with death.

Basically, I bribed them :D

Oh, and used emotional blackmail when need arose :)

I'm sure you're adding the n'ts and an evil being is deleting them.

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

I'm a lazy friend too, to my shame. And yet you and I have been friends now for what, thirteen years? Perhaps there's hope for us yet. =)

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's weird, isn't it? How did we manage that? :)

[ashfae.livejournal.com]

By not being easily offended and having good senses of humor, I'd say. =)

[muggle-prof.livejournal.com]

Well, I really enjoy getting an unexpected email or card from someone I haven't heard from in a while, so I say go ahead and contact anyone you want to, even if you have been out of touch for a while. Chances are they'll be happy to hear from you, even if it is on an irregular basis.

Take care, and please let us, your faceless LJ friends, know if there's anything we can do to help ward off the mood. Wish I could offer more...

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

How about after 3+ years? With not much established friendship? She probably doesn't even remember who I am. And I could go on with the excuses, and I know that's just what they are: excuses.

*hugs* Thank you. You've helped. (Getting rest also helped =)

[beletseri.livejournal.com]

I could have written this post myself. I'm the ultimate lazy friend. *Hugs*

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* And yet you always seem to comment? That's lazy, how? =)

[beletseri.livejournal.com]

LOL! Well, I have worked hard to get to this point! *wink* First I started reviewing recipes, (you can't imagine how hard that was) then fics, and now I actually comment on LJ!! Besides, I really enjoy reading your entries, so I try to comment on them often, which has actually gotten easier every time. I used to worry to death about every little thing I would say to you or someone else.

But really, with RL friends, I always say I will call, and never do, and I don't email, or send cards, or anything that I should. I almost always leave it up to the other person, and that isn't even mentioning the fact that I am a horrible conversationalist, unless I know someone really well, but then there is all the awkwardness of actually getting to know that person, in which I don't say much, and they do all the talking, or what is worse, they don't talk either. It is, it seems, so much easier to just let life slip you buy sometimes, but that thought is just plain depressing. But anyway, my point was that, as you can see, I truly am a lazy friend! ;-)

(I find it terribly amusing that I am trying to convince you of what a lazy friend that I am, not to mention the utter lack of laziness doing it, LOL!!)

[fishity.livejournal.com]

I think I can relate to how you're feeling. I'm also one of these persons who sometimes just can't bring themselves to maintain a contact, even if they want to. After some time, I felt that it was too embarassing that I didn't keep in touch for so long and thereby give myself a reason to never ever call again.

You're not lazy or a bad person. It's just that you (and me, and some others, as it seems) too often miss the moment where it would have been good to speak up. I'm not an expert, but if you have depressive tendencies, that might also explain something. It sure as hell does for me - when I'm in one of my "down" phases, I just can't motivate myself to do even the most basic things. Like contact people. I never want to answer the phone because even my best friends don't make the stress of maintaining a long conversation seem more appealing.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I don't understand it, but I give into it anyway.

As for depression, yes, that's a part of it, but in the case of this post it was more to do with exhaustion. Fatigue makes me feel the same as when I'm clinically depressed (with exactly the same problems as you experience). Makes having chronic fatigue a bitch, let me tell you! =) Nice thing is, that when I get rested (as I am now, hence the reply) I suddenly feel better. It doesn't take months to get over it... usually.

[fishity.livejournal.com]

in the case of this post it was more to do with exhaustion

I know that all too well, too. Having lots of things to do andz ero energy to even get started just...sucks. *hugs*