(no subject)

[averygoodun42]

Yesterday I went shopping. I'm not a huge fan of shopping. Maybe it's dealing with crowds of people, maybe it's the horrible Christmas musak that I end up humming, or maybe it's the fact that nothing wears me out more than shopping.

I came home from shopping (an hour of which was spent at the grocery store, half of which was spent standing in the checkout line, as everyone in the store decided to check-out at the same time, of course) dropping with fatigue. Not exaggerating. At one point I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor because I couldn't walk the five steps to the nearest chair.

Anyway, one of the things I hate about being exhausted is that I get completely maudlin. I can't think straight, I get bitchy and I swear that I'm falling back into depression. It didn't help that "It's a Wonderful Life" was on, and it made me wonder how rich I really am if wealth is measured in friendships. (Enter the bugbear of self-doubt, and the defeatism of depression.) Fortunately, I've dealt with all of this before so I know that no matter how bad I'm feeling, I will probably wake up the next morning with a much cheerier outlook.

Well, that was the case - mostly. This morning I woke up and the fatigue had lifted, so I was able to move and go about thing that needed to be done, but the mood was still there. That, "I'm a terrible person who can't do anything right to save my life" mood.

I hate that mood.

Frankly, I enjoy living in healthy denial. I like thinking that I'm basically a good person who might not do great things, but is decent anyway. I like thinking that there are lots of people who care and that life could be an episode of "Friends" if we all lived near each other.

I don't like examining what I have to offer in friendship. I look at everyone's LJ's and read about how they interact with others, how regular they are in keeping in touch, how they make the effort, and I think, "what the hell was I even thinking?"

I will read my friends' journals, or listen to their conversations and smile or frown as their mood dictates, but I will only comment if I can think of something to say. It makes phone conversations with me a real exciting experience, let me tell you! That, or I'll blather endlessly for ages about something completely OT and wake up the next morning shaking my head about how rude or pointless I was being.

What does being a friend mean, anyway? Is a friend someone you chat with about everything and nothing? I'd say yes. Is a friend someone who is there for you when you're down? Again, that'd be a yes. Is someone a friend who semi-deliberately stays on the outskirts, listening but not contributing? No. That person is an observer, an audience to the play that's presented. For those out there who are attention hounds, that person might be mistaken as a friend, because the observer is another body who is feeding the hound's desires, but I doubt even the attention hound will confide in the observer, will seek out the observer as a comforting shoulder.

I am most definitely an observer. I like watching those around me. I'm surprised it took me so long to get into the LJ scene because for me this is the most comfortable form of socializing possible - no faces, no awkward silences, just words on a page that may or may not be responded to. And usually, I choose not to respond.

One of the things I really regret from the past few years is not following up on befriending one of my former teachers. She was (almost certainly still is) a vibrant, intelligent, passionate woman who had a similar sense of humor.

It took me nearly a year to gather the courage to ask via email if she'd be willing to correspond. She was fairly enthusiastic in her response. We emailed each other infrequently for about a month, and then I stopped. At first I stopped because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't whining or bitching. I was in a really bad spot at that point, and I think one of the reasons I reached out to her was because I was getting suicidal. (I have a survival instinct that isn't befitting for a chronic depressive.) After a couple of months, I didn't get back to her because it had been so long. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I was afraid. I erred on the side of silence.

And I find that happening all over again. I've joined a community where I've been welcomed with open arms, and I've participated happily for the last few months. But... but the silence is descending again, and I'm not sure how to go about fighting it.

I do care about the people in my life. I would shatter if anything happened to my family. I grieve along with my friends when they suffer. I love hearing about everything that goes on in their lives, the good and the bad and the mildly unattractive. But in the end, I am a lazy friend. And I'm sorry.


Today I managed to get 10 dozen cookies made (rum balls... yummm), had a small hissy fit, and got DH to finish a project that's been dragging for the last year. Yay! He was also very, very nice and let me have a long nap this evening.

Tomorrow I get to pick up his Christmas present from the post office (yay!) and go look at frames for "Squashed" at the craft store. Maybe I'll also manage to get the next two batches of cookies made, as well as write and address the Christmas cards. (Anyone want one?) I'll try to be optimistic. Hell, I could even remember to water the plants! Miracles have happened before...



Snape's Journal

Feb. 8, 1998

It seems Granger has volunteered to research a way to block this piece of utter insanity.

I imagine that if I were in her place I would have thought of fighting this as soon as she did. I don't envy her. Not only is she the best friend of Potter, but she's also powerful, intelligent and quite pretty when healthy, I mean reasonably comely. In a homely kind of way. If you look hard enough.

The point is that she'd be topping the list of desirable matches for either side. I imagine Lucius would love to get his hands on her... The way he's been vocally decrying the state of the wizarding world since his release makes me wonder how he's involved.

I guess I'll have to keep an eye on that front.

Damn this life debt. It's most inconvenient.

/entry

Comments

[beletseri.livejournal.com]

LOL! Well, I have worked hard to get to this point! *wink* First I started reviewing recipes, (you can't imagine how hard that was) then fics, and now I actually comment on LJ!! Besides, I really enjoy reading your entries, so I try to comment on them often, which has actually gotten easier every time. I used to worry to death about every little thing I would say to you or someone else.

But really, with RL friends, I always say I will call, and never do, and I don't email, or send cards, or anything that I should. I almost always leave it up to the other person, and that isn't even mentioning the fact that I am a horrible conversationalist, unless I know someone really well, but then there is all the awkwardness of actually getting to know that person, in which I don't say much, and they do all the talking, or what is worse, they don't talk either. It is, it seems, so much easier to just let life slip you buy sometimes, but that thought is just plain depressing. But anyway, my point was that, as you can see, I truly am a lazy friend! ;-)

(I find it terribly amusing that I am trying to convince you of what a lazy friend that I am, not to mention the utter lack of laziness doing it, LOL!!)