When dread is no longer existential, motivation occurs.

[averygoodun42]

Or something like that, anyway.

Last month, before my raised dose of anti-depressants had kicked in, I was feeling pretty damned despondent. Things were not looking good on most fronts. Geoff's company continues to struggle (think muffled kicking and screaming as it gets dragged down to the river), the near daily political assaults of our dear leader's cabinet picks, an atrocious period (bad PMDD and debilitating cramps? w00t!), and other stuff was pushing me to the floor, making sure it was digging its spurs in deep as it kicked me as I fell.

So, I finally cracked open my "new" tarot deck (from last summer? Yeah. Birthday present to myself 2015), and asked a question.

The answer wasn't really a direct answer to my question (which I should have known better than to expect), but basically said: you're in a truly shitty place right now, but if you follow your dreams, everything will better than okay eventually.

It also hinted at having to move.


I'm now on the maximum dose of my current meds, and that makes life so much better despite everything else still being a shitstorm of nastiness.

But what I've noticed is that I do really, truly fear what is about to happen to this country and the world. But unlike before the election, when it was a threat, but a seemingly impossible threat, now it's sinking in that, yes, life as we know it is ending. That's not to say that life itself is ending (necessarily, though that's certainly not out of the question given our dear leader's cabinet), but we're about to go through a massive, massive period of turmoil on all fronts.

But, it's interesting. Because my fears are coming to pass, I'm becoming more proactive about doing things that make me happy. Like, I went and bought a decent keyboard and am teaching myself to play again. It was justified in my mind as a tool to help Page with his saxophone, which it is, but it's also something I've been really wanting to do for a long, long while now (if I'd saved $2 every month for the time I've wanted this, I would have been able to buy a new Roland).

I'm also learning French, and dragging Page along with me, because being monolingual in today's world (and our circumstances) is stupid. (French is the language Page chose.) And being stupid does NOT make me happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing my rheumatologist so as to work with her on how to get myself exercising without huge amounts of pain or injury so as to get strength back (and maybe help my hips from clicking, and my back from constantly hurting).

And all this has nothing to do with any new year's resolutions. It's just impulses brought on by an inner drive. No, my resolutions are of the pragmatic "you need to do this, so just do it NOW" variety - everything that I'm not looking forward to doing. And there's plenty, like really digging in to the business aspects of my art (I still have to storyboard and record a video for my Patreon launch... bleh), planning out what to do if Geoff's job doesn't continue, resisting the oligarchy on the energy I have left over from daily struggles, etc., but I'm hoping I will be able to maintain this momentum to enjoy the moments I have left to enjoy in the life I currently lead. Because I really don't know how long we have left to lead it.

And to be clear, I have no plans or even ideas of physically dying. Any death I'm obliquely referring to is metaphorical. I hope. Because I'm privileged enough not to have to fear for my life, or the life of my family.

Comments

[septentrion1970.livejournal.com]

I'm very worried about the state of the world, too. I'm afraid that my daughter will know war (yes, my fears are that bad). ~hugs~

If you need help with French, don't hesitate to tell me. I'd be happy to help you and Page.

[apisa-b.livejournal.com]

I'm even afraid that I will have to experience war. Living in the heart of Europe, experiencing first hand what the flow of refugees does to our society (Don't get me wrong - I don't blame the refugees, I blame the religious fundamentalists on both sides and the Europeans, who have turned their hearts to stone) makes me afraid, very afraid. Add Putin and a certain president-elect into the mix, and it could get explosive.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

I'm becoming resigned to the reality of war happening. I suspect any war that I experience will be of the civil kind, though that's a couple of years off (the PE's supporters need to see the realities of his policies and lies first; it's going to be bad when they do) given our distance from the rest of the world. But Putin and the far right are doing a really good job of destabilizing the world's governments. It's scary.

[averygoodun.livejournal.com]

I think war is inevitable at this point, unless there's a real push in Europe against the far-right's agenda(s), and the orange guy gets deposed quickly. France is kind of looking hopeful in that regard, anyway... Hopefully Germany will follow suit.

Merci beaucoup! I need to really start the learning process (I'm registered with a couple online learning sites), but it's slow going. Between French and piano, I'm remembering how hard it is to be an absolute beginner. Which is a good thing, really. :-)