Averygoodun's Personal File

Or something like that, anyway.

Last month, before my raised dose of anti-depressants had kicked in, I was feeling pretty damned despondent. Things were not looking good on most fronts. Geoff's company continues to struggle (think muffled kicking and screaming as it gets dragged down to the river), the near daily political assaults of our dear leader's cabinet picks, an atrocious period (bad PMDD and debilitating cramps? w00t!), and other stuff was pushing me to the floor, making sure it was digging its spurs in deep as it kicked me as I fell.

So, I finally cracked open my "new" tarot deck (from last summer? Yeah. Birthday present to myself 2015), and asked a question.

The answer wasn't really a direct answer to my question (which I should have known better than to expect), but basically said: you're in a truly shitty place right now, but if you follow your dreams, everything will better than okay eventually.

It also hinted at having to move.


I'm now on the maximum dose of my current meds, and that makes life so much better despite everything else still being a shitstorm of nastiness.

But what I've noticed is that I do really, truly fear what is about to happen to this country and the world. But unlike before the election, when it was a threat, but a seemingly impossible threat, now it's sinking in that, yes, life as we know it is ending. That's not to say that life itself is ending (necessarily, though that's certainly not out of the question given our dear leader's cabinet), but we're about to go through a massive, massive period of turmoil on all fronts.

But, it's interesting. Because my fears are coming to pass, I'm becoming more proactive about doing things that make me happy. Like, I went and bought a decent keyboard and am teaching myself to play again. It was justified in my mind as a tool to help Page with his saxophone, which it is, but it's also something I've been really wanting to do for a long, long while now (if I'd saved $2 every month for the time I've wanted this, I would have been able to buy a new Roland).

I'm also learning French, and dragging Page along with me, because being monolingual in today's world (and our circumstances) is stupid. (French is the language Page chose.) And being stupid does NOT make me happy.

I'm looking forward to seeing my rheumatologist so as to work with her on how to get myself exercising without huge amounts of pain or injury so as to get strength back (and maybe help my hips from clicking, and my back from constantly hurting).

And all this has nothing to do with any new year's resolutions. It's just impulses brought on by an inner drive. No, my resolutions are of the pragmatic "you need to do this, so just do it NOW" variety - everything that I'm not looking forward to doing. And there's plenty, like really digging in to the business aspects of my art (I still have to storyboard and record a video for my Patreon launch... bleh), planning out what to do if Geoff's job doesn't continue, resisting the oligarchy on the energy I have left over from daily struggles, etc., but I'm hoping I will be able to maintain this momentum to enjoy the moments I have left to enjoy in the life I currently lead. Because I really don't know how long we have left to lead it.

And to be clear, I have no plans or even ideas of physically dying. Any death I'm obliquely referring to is metaphorical. I hope. Because I'm privileged enough not to have to fear for my life, or the life of my family.

Since I seem to be in a bit of a funk...

1. The lengthening of the days. Not just the lengthening, but the lightening of the days. It feels wrong to have a warm wind blowing in February in New England (in Colorado, sure! Chinooks are de rigeur, but not here!), but I can't help but be a little excited to see some dogwoods and magnolias thickening up with buds already. I just hope we don't get a Colorado Spring (i.e. all the wet snow that winter didn't bring just as all the flowers and leaves come out, crushing everything).

2. Free trials. I'm trying out Acorn TV for the month because they had immediate access to season 2 of Miss Fisher's Mysteries. I've been enjoying various other shows since I finished off that series (3rd season wasn't nearly as good for UST, alas). Lots of good fodder for painting sessions, except I had the unfortunate luck to have three (different) shows in a row focus on incest. Incest is one of the few things that completely squicks me out (that and blood play). But otherwise, I've been entertaining myself with lots of good quality murder mysteries. Yay.

3. Our internet is now reliable. I don't know what it is about me and phones, but we have a problematic relationship. Maybe they sense my fear and react offensively, like a wild creature... Except the problems occur even when I have no fear; my cell phone often refuses to let me talk to Geoff (seriously, it will cut the connection as soon as he's picked up, if it allows the call to go through in the first place), and our DSL service through our phone company was getting beyond frustrating in its refusal to work for me (and pretty much just me). So we switched to cable internet (deal with the devil, unfortunately) and a VOIP phone service. Both are in perfect working order. The internet is still slowish, though that may have more to do with our processors than the speed, but it's available and reliable. And uploading pictures takes about 5 seconds as opposed to the 3 minutes it used to take. So that's awesome.

4. ( This painting of mine. )

It makes me very happy.

5. Having my little studio set up again. I was going to leave the living room in the configuration it was put into for Christmas until the basement was finished, but I kept tripping over my easel's legs and having to shift my painting things again and again and again, often while I was painting... It was a bother. So I rearranged the sofa ends to remake my little (seriously, it's an area of about 5 sq. ft./ .8 sq meter) painting nook. And boy, did that open up the rest of the living room! I am still anxiously awaiting getting the basement finished so I can move things around to better use the space (and make the book shelves behind the sofa accessible again!), but the room is functional again, which helps a lot.

ETA 6. Geoff gave me a hair cut last night. While it isn't the best haircut I've had, it did get rid of my mullet and make my head tidier overall. I am very pleased. :-)

It's unfortunate that I had to really dig for those five things, because really, there's a lot more good about my life than not, but, well, my health is getting spotty again, which makes it harder to see the good. But I'm still trying, at least.

Because "to do" isn't putting it strongly enough. (And my motivation needs a little push. Or a huge shove...)

( Read more... )

I had very active dreams all last night, so I was rather exhausted when I woke up. I hate it when that happens. Though the dreams were kinda cool in that I got to hang out at the White House (both during Obama's and the Clinton's terms). Bill Clinton was a real sleaze, but fortunately, the dream didn't feature him too heavily. It was mostly about Hilary and Chelsea and the entourage. No, really it was about the crazy games and serious shit that politics is made up of. *sigh* And I didn't even read or watch anything political this weekend! *pouts*

I've been rather sad all weekend. Don't know whether it's the winter effect (though the days are now noticeably longer! Yay!), anemia, blood-sugar issues or what (ooh, could also be allergies. They were particularly bad yesterday, enough so that taking a benadryl didn't put me to sleep). Decided yesterday - or was it Saturday? - to combat it by being productive. That got the dishes into the dishwasher, but then progress petered out when I went up to wake Geoff from his nap (ah, yesterday, then) and ended up taking a rather long nap myself.

I am so tired. All the time. And it's making me feel rather hopeless of being a productive (or retainable) member of the workforce when I become qualified to join it. Granted, my hopelessness is compounded by my brains turning to mush when I'm tired. Kind of a scary prospect for an accountant...

On the plus side, the three of us managed to get out to the sledding hill on Saturday, which was fun. Page was a bit of a brat insisting on all these extra rules as to what we should do, because sledding down hills wasn't enough for him, but even so, we all had a good time. Tromping up the slippery hill however many times took it out of me, though. I was a useless lump for the rest of the evening. Bless Geoff for doing the cooking.

*sigh* I think that's enough complaining for now. Life isn't bad. In fact, it's pretty good. And I am grateful for all I have and the good fortune that allows us to keep it. I'm just so tired of being tired. I want my motivation back, darn it! And some energy to make use of it.

Thank you for the blue dragons! They're lovely and cheerful and happy-making.

No homework has been done yet today. That's next, I s'pose, now that I've gathered enough photos to print for the show. Perhaps at my next break I'll post them on here so you can see what'll be going up on the walls. This will not be a cohesive show at all, but, eh. They're all quite decent shots, and that's what matters most to me right now.

As for the state of me... I'm dry. Like, 80-ounces-of-water-a-day-is-not-hydrating-me dry. not sure why, but it probably has something to do with resuming my habit of tea. *big sigh*

Page slapped a kid in after-school yesterday. No one is happy about this. And it was over a freaking plastic bag!!! Still don't know what to do with that kid (and counseling center didn't call back, darn them!)

It's windy. Windy enough the power flickered off. Windy enough to unsettle me. Don't like it. However, last night it was also very rainy, which was nice. We need more moisture!

But I guess I better go do my homework. I need to catch up, and now is probably one of the few chances I'll get before the mid- and end-terms crunches.

Ciao.

So, thanks to the snowstorm in October, Page had to go to school yesterday, which, being Presidents' Day, is usually a holiday. Geoff, however, had the day off.

OMG. Do you know how long it's been since Geoff and I have been able to just spend time together without worrying about babysitter fees? Lord, that was nice!

So, we used part of his Christmas gift certificate to go see "The Descendents" which was a good movie, though perhaps not great. Clooney did an awesome job on establishing a understated character, and I did enjoy his and Alex's developing relationship, but... The younger daughter's problems were not really dealt with. Not to the degree that the "happy" ending warranted.

But whether the movie was good or not is actually irrelevant. We went to a movie! That wasn't about comic book characters! It's been so long, and it's something we both enjoy so much, so it was wonderful.

When we came back, we had lunch and then he gave me a marvelous, relaxing, glorious massage. Yep. *nods with wide-eyed innocence*

And after that, he spent the afternoon watching a Jeremy Brett Holmes video while I studied for today's test until it was time to pick up Page from after-school. (And Page was cheerful all day long, it seems! Yay!)

Overall, it was a truly satisfying, love- and life-affirming day.

And today is his birthday. :-)

I need to get off here and into the kitchen to see if I have time to make his cake before I have to leave for class. If not, I'll have time after class. I'll just start the next batch of yogurt instead.

So cheers! Happy Tuesday!

Results were up before the next class started. I am not shocked at my 100%. I would be shocked if anyone did not get at least 90%. It was multiple choice, for heaven's sake!

Meanwhile, I take it back about my being dumb. ( Mini-rant about the lack of critical thinking skills in today's youth and such )

( Edited to add to school-related rant )


ION, life is going pretty well. It amazes me how much of a difference there is between my energy level now and what it was one year ago. It staggers me, actually. A year ago, I wasn't able to be in choir because it took too much energy to follow the music, keep my ear open to what everyone else was doing and make the notes myself. It was an exhausting drain. Now it's a joyful experience again, and it's amazing to me how easy it is to keep up, even when zonked.

I can move things around the house and outside without difficulty. A year ago, it winded me to take Babe's tiny bike down to the basement. It was so heavy. This year, the same bike was brought out of the basement (and given away! Whee!!!!) with minimal effort.

It makes me rather emotional to think of how low I must have been, physically and mentally, if this approach to normality is such a huge leap. A joyous leap, but a leap nonetheless.

And no wonder all I could think and talk about was my health. That was the extent of my life.

But anyway, it isn't now. And because it isn't, I must go.

Dinner coversation between Geoff and Babe last night. Babe had lost interest in what was left on his plate and had wandered off to play with his cars.

"Ooh, look what I have on my plate, Babe. Corn."

"..."

"This corn sure does look good."

"..."

"Would you like some corn?"

"NO! NO CORN!"

"Okay, then. I guess I'll just have to eat it."

Geoff stabs corn and opens his mouth. Babe runs up to Geoff's chair.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! CORN!"

"Would you like some corn, Babe?"

"Wanna corn!"

"How about, 'May I have some corn, please?'"

"'Nk you, dad for asking nicely."


I couldn't keep from laughing at that. I know I shouldn't encourage him, but... He's unfortunately got the smart-ass gene from both of us, so it shouldn't be a surprise that it's developing already. And yes, I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing. This isn't the first sign of mockery from him.

( In other news, including a shot of Babe )

The neighbor finally had her baby yesterday morning. She said she only had one hour of labor, but my guess is that, since they went to the hospital Friday morning when her contractions were every five minutes (to be sent home a few hours later after lack of dilation), she was in labor for more like 24 hours. The hard labor was only an hour. Only.

But, whatever the case, Little Neighbor Girl is 7 lbs. 11 oz, scrunchy faced and absolutely adorable.

Though not nearly as beautiful as Babe. Of course. ;-)

( In other news: I ramble )

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